Pencil Stubs Online
Reader Recommends


A Tiger And His Stripes

By LC Van Savage

So Tiger Woods has issued The Big Apology. Well now, that’s fine. I’m personally so relieved after waiting all this long time. I mean come on, he owes all of us an apology, right? Wrong.

Frankly, I have a few questions regarding this Tiger Woods issue, and here they are; First, who cares?? Why do people get themselves tied in knots over the sexual escapades of celebrities? Why are we so fascinated? Why do we think we’re entitled to know about these things in full, vivid detail, and why do we actually think these famous folks, after they get busted for doing things that are no one’s business, have to get themselves tearfully, sometimes sobbingly in front of multiple TV cameras and confess their so called sins to the world? And, age old question here; are they sobbing because they’re genuinely sorry they did the nasties, or because they got caught?

First of all I think it was really unfriendly of all those women with whom Tiger fooled around to blab to the media. Before he got caught by his wife or by anyone, they were perfectly content to be his invisible playmates, not imaginary, but invisible. When this stuff exploded all over the news, I’ll bet those chosen gentlewomen suddenly began to think hey! Book! Maybe a movie they could actually star in! Pots and pots of money for the accepting! And so they called in all the nice, friendly media folks and spilled their copulatory beans (sorry) and I say shame on them! Shame! Those ladies were perfectly willing to enjoy some arcane slap and tickle with the greatest golfer the world has ever known and to keep their blabbatory mouths shut, until suddenly, El Tigre got caught with his paw in the cookie jar. The man got himself netted because like lots of powerful, wealthy people Mr. Woods thought he was above getting caught, that no one would tattle. Well, lots did, Tiger got slammed and all his very, very, very friendly chaise chums suddenly felt compelled to do the right thing, to help out, and shoot off their mouths, even if it meant a mother, a wife and 2 small kids might be badly hurt. A lot. Talk about kicking a golfer when he’s down.

See, I personally think les affaires de coeur are private matters, to be kept between committed partners, their families, their gods and ultimately, their lawyers. Why is so much ink and air space wasted on the philanderings of anyone? And do you want to know what else I think? Probably not, but here it is; I think many of the tut-tutters, the finger pointers and the folks so shocked, so gasping in outrage at Mr. Woods’s behaviours have done or are doing the exact same things he did and does, or dearly wish they could, only of course they’d have to do it with a lot less cash and in a lot poorer digs; by the hour motels up the highway for example, as opposed to exotic resort hotel suites in exotic ports of call. Hey, everything’s the same between the sheets whether they’re nasty old worn out ones at 90 count or pure satin at 500 count, right? Right? OK, not. Well maybe. Do I know?

It’s not as if Tiger took money from innocent people. He probably laid out (sorry) more on his gal pals than we’ll ever know, and hello, why are we entitled to know anyway? Does Tiger Woods owe us anything? Hardly. What he does owe people who pay to watch him is a great golf game and he’s always delivered. That’s it. What Peck’s Bad Boy does after he showers and departs the locker room is absolutely no one’s business.

And please tell me, will you refuse to buy a car or a watch or a golf club or anything else that the Tiger has endorsed because of what you’ve learned about his genitive goings on? Oh come on, a good product is a good product regardless of who’s doing the hawking. My advice to these huge sponsoring now nervous companies is to take a deep breath and fuggedabowdit. Move on. Your products will not go into the WC because TG’s name has been attached to them. Knowing human nature, I’ll wager it’s quite the opposite. I suggest that even now in the heat of all this uh oh, American consumers would love to be seen tooling around in a nice, new Tiger Woods sponsored Buick.

And as to apologies, OK, maybe those sleazoid politicians who go in search of the wee diversion now and again on our nickel by the way, maybe do owe the public an apology because didn’t they get elected on the I’m-pure-as-new-fallen-snow platform, and didn’t they promise they were great, staunch family men who would never do anything untoward? That they’d lead us all to prosperity and peace? Yes I know, women too occasionally wander down the untoward path. But one doesn’t really hear about women doing it much. Either they are too clever and don’t get caught, or for them it’s just too boring or tiresome to do the hanky-panky dance.

In case we can’t be simply content knowing that the Golfer Woods slipped way down off his moral high horse, we now have to pick apart his apology thing. When will it ever be enough? Now it appears we have to give deep consideration as to whether Mr. Woods will be exploiting his children to win back the sympathies of the American people. Oh for the sweet luvva. And, it makes me squirm to think that he and his handlers decided he had to stand in front of the world to humiliate himself and “explain” that he’d been a bad, baaaad boy. Why? He knows it. His family knows it. Let them work it out.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. There are young people out there who really look up to Tiger Woods and he’s not sending out a very good family message, so perhaps from that point of view, he should speak out if only to tell these kids that he did a bad thing to his family and that should these young folks happen to attain great fame and wealth this should not entitle them to heap pain and shame on those close to them. Will Tiger’s extensive extra maritals give young athletes or wannabe golfers permission to serial cheat on their spouses? Again, do I know? Do you? No. People will do what they do, always have, always will. And if men can’t keep it in their knickers and women can’t keep it in their bloomers, well then, do these failings really have to be such a huge part of our daily news? Personally, I think not. There are far, far more urgent news stories on which we should truly focus our concerns.

Click on author's byline for bio and list of other works published by Pencil Stubs Online.
Email LC at
See her on incredibleMAINE, MPBN,
10:30 AM Saturdays


Refer a friend to this Article

Your Name -
Your Email -
Friend's Name - 
Friends Email - 


Horizontal Navigator



To report problems with this page, email Webmaster

Copyright © 2002 AMEA Publications