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Consider This

By LC Van Savage


       We do live in weird times, of that I’m certain, and one of those weirdnesses these days is the inclination for some of us to marry things other than humans. Inanimate things. Appliances. And we even consider marrying our own pets because we love them so. Or something. Personally, try as I can, I just can’t think there’s much of a chance for death-do-us-part everlasting happiness when wedded to one’s pet Siamese Fighting Fish for example, but hey, different strokes, right?

       Years ago, I wrote a very serious column about a man of whom I’d read, who wanted to—and did—marry his TV set. His reasons were really quite sound. He told his interviewer he was lonely, that he had no friends and that his TV set was his very BFF, never gave him a moment’s grief until it needed a few repairs, never gave him problems or argued with his decisions, never ran up credit card bills or cheated on him. The man was completely in love.

       A local man of the cloth decided to join in the fun and offered to marry the loving couple. He posted the bans, managed to get a marriage license of sorts for them, and people were invited to the Big Day, refreshments after. The minister pronounced them Man and Philco, and they lived, and watched, happily ever after.

       Then there was the guy who decided to marry his car. He was anxious that if he didn’t marry it—her, whatever—that someone would steal her because she was so pretty, and sell or wreck her and oh how he loved that car. He figured if people knew his pretty car was an old married woman they would lose interest and would leave her be. Besides, neither of them wanted children anyway, so the guy found a priest new to the church business who agreed to say the words. Thus, Man and ’55 Ford Fairlane were then married and lived out their lives in bliss in a local heated garage. It seemed to be a happy marriage. They never fought about anything. He’d chat, she’d play music.

       Folks all over the world seem to think it’s adorable for their animal pets to marry each other, so their owners design and sew up cutesy wedding outfits and invite all their friends to watch their female and male Llamas or Pugs or Ferrets or Shetland Ponies or Parrots or Turtles or Pot Bellied Pigs ---well, you get the idea--to marry each other. They even hire musicians to play Messrs. Kloven and Scott’s “Oh Promise Me” or Felix Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March” and they invite all their friends to watch these poor uncomfortable animals struggling down an “aisle” to stand, sit or roll over, fall asleep, or try to run away from being forced to stay still in front of a person in a long robe, holding an open book over them and saying things in a droney voice. Dogs have been known to lift their legs against the clergy’s robes, bride and groom rabbits to suddenly mate vigorously and then constantly, Llamas to spit, and a beloved pet snake, in wedding attire, to constrict and swallow the groom rabbit when no one was looking. Everyone weeps and laughs and applauds lovingly at these bizarre ceremonies, except of course for the owners of the darling cuddly, and now gone angora bunny.

       So the question I have is this; if people can marry their appliances or something from out of their home entertainment centers, or something with tires living in their garages, if they can dress up their animals in awful and embarrassing wedding garb and force them to “marry” each other for the entertainment of their owner’s nearest and dearest, and everyone thinks it is funny and charmingly adorable and absolutely appropriate and acceptable, then how come there are still some folks out there who think that 2 responsible, compatible, loving and productive humans of the same sex do not have the right to marry? Seems oddly weird to me…

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