Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

It took me a while and I had to break my noodle on it, but I finally figured out Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Most scholars agree that that Theory is one of the most abstruse concepts in the history of human thought. That's why it took me so long, but now that I understand Einstein's thinking, I'm able to explain it; bring it to the masses, you might say.

The problem with deep thinkers is that it is in their nature to always do things the hard way. If I tried to explain how Relativity works through quantum mechanics or the origin of the universe - contracting, expanding whatever - we would be here all day. So I converted Einstein's famous equation, E=MC2, into something we can all understand: the price of a can of coffee. Now follow this:
· Let E equal last week's exact price per atom of the coffee in the can or bag
· Let M equal the weight of the coffee, or as the scientists call it, the Mass
· Let C equal this week's cost for the same size container - can or bag - of coffee

As any schoolboy can tell (it's simple algebra, really) we are all paying more on a per atom basis for the coffee this week, than we did last week. Clearly, the only constant in this equation is C, which, like the speed of light never varies, and is why Einstein put that little 2 next to it. This is to remind us that if you put off buying coffee long enough - or anything else, for that matter - the price will double.

Another commonplace example of Relativity is the airport, which is a place where, as any traveler can tell you, time often seems to stand still. This phenomenon (it's called a "time warp," actually) has a strange effect on the price of water. The last time I grabbed a bite at an airport I paid $1.80 for a pint bottle of water. This translates to $14.40 a gallon, which is (about) 800% more than jet fuel. But on the rest of the planet water is dirt-cheap, even in the middle of the Gobi Desert; fuel of any kind is cheaper, a lot cheaper, than water.

Clearly, this is a perfect example of how the space-time continuum warps things, unless, and this is an interesting variable, Halliburton owns the water concessions at all our airports.