Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

I’ve had it up to here with drug companies (hold your hand way, way up above your head). And no, it’s not the high prices that the American pharmaceutical companies get for their products, which – let’s not kid ourselves here, folks – manage to keep the whole world living longer and healthier than ever before in history.

I’m talking about all the sleazy advertising that comes along with every new drug to hit the market. No question that advertising is important – think aspirin and milk-of-magnesia here – but give us a break with the side effects. No more whispering and soft background music; no bucolic scenes of a lithe young lady traipsing through a flower filled meadow as she spells out the litany of woes that might, just might, accompany the ingestion of whatever the heck she is selling.

Imagine trying to sell a car like that. Never happened! Car dealers need to get your attention, so they turn up the volume of their spiel to double the decibel range of a heavy metal band. Not so with the drug company’s hucksters, they don’t want to catch your ear; they want things – like side effects – to sort of slide by. Here’s the way it works:

Scene: A man is shown sneezing and coughing. He looks heavenward with watery, bloodshot eyes. Just as he breaks into a violent, perhaps his penultimate, coughing paroxysm, a voice is heard; a soft, feminine voice barely above a whisper, wafts across the room: “Cold, flu got you down?” Now the violins begin and a heather covered hillock fills the screen……… “Have you asked your doctor about our new product: ‘Sneeze Away?’ It might be just what the doctor ordered!” The violins gush passionately as a couple of sheep gambol in the heather and the announcer breaks into the reverie at her dulcet-toned best.

“Clinical trials have shown in some cases some uncommon side effects such as: dandruff, simultaneous diarrhea and constipation, rectal itch, tuberculosis, testicular carbuncles (where applicable) halitosis and (in rare instances) death. So speak to your health care professional to see if 'Sneeze Away' is right for you.”