Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

I think I’m on to something here people. A plot so reprehensible, so bizarre that it’s hard to describe, but I’ll give it a shot: Apparently, the Bush Administration is trying to win our war with the Islamic terrorists by killing the detainees at Guantanamo with kindness.

Yes, you read it right! According to reports in ABC News, the Washington Post and a score of other mainstream media outlets the detainees at our guest facility in Cuba have been dining on a standard 4200 calories per day and have gained an average of 20 pounds per man. One chap nearly doubled his weight from 215 pounds to 410 pounds.

To put this in perspective our troops in Iraq subsist on 3700 to 3900 calories a day, while inmates in Federal prisons make due with 2900 calories daily. So what’s going on here? Well, according to my most reliable sources the nutritional arm of the CIA came up with this plan some time ago and with Rumsfeld’s blessing (and probably Bush’s, too) started plying the detainees with a steady diet of pizza, cream filled donuts and fried chicken all washed down with chocolate milkshakes.

Clearly, such a diet is irresistible, but deadly! It’s only a matter of time for the Islamo-fascists to have arteries as clogged as the George Washington Bridge on any rainy rush-hour night during a Fourth of July Weekend. Believe me, by Labor Day fifteen or twenty years from now the bad guys will be dropping like flies.

But the Bushies are not going to get away with this one, folks, I’ve been given to understand by my most dependable informants that the ACLU and Amnesty International are onto this dietary ploy and have already been in contact with Michael Moore and George Soros. A documentary exposing the entire mess is said to be in the works, so keep an eye out for it.

Do we live in a wonderful country or what?