Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

The entire country is up in arms over our soaring divorce rate. Solutions to the problem come flying at us from every angle. Although they won’t admit it, pundits have no easy answers: “Not enough emphasis on sex,” says one psychologist; “too much emphasis,” says another. “Lack of family values,” comes from the clergy. “Too much stress,” advise the marriage counselors.

Yet no one ever talks about the simple things that can chip away at a marriage. Take the refrigerator, for instance, or the toilet paper. Men know where the refrigerator is, but simply can’t find anything in it. Same goes for the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom. The guys know the toilet tissue is there (it has been for the ten years they’ve been married plus the three years they lived together before that), but just can’t lay their hands on it when it’s all the way in the back.

The reason for this phenomenon is that women, unlike men, are not logical creatures. Women put things away willy-nilly without any regard to BSS – Back Stiffness Syndrome – a universal male genetic deficiency, which is why men hate to bend, particularly before or after dinner.

The refrigerator, of course, is the best example of this deficiency. Clinical studies indicate that in the past fifty years more men visited the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica than the bottom shelf of their refrigerator.

A solution to this dilemma might well be to relegate female foods: yogurt, carrots and broccoli to the bottom shelf and gender-neutral items such as milk, fruit and chicken salad to the middle. Thus leaving the easy to find top shelf for male foods: ham, leftover pizza and beer.

Interestingly, there is still no recorded instance of a man unable to find his supply Viagra no matter where it’s stored. Apparently there is some mnemonic value to this medication that has yet to be discovered. We’ll have to wait and see.