Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Women have all the luck. Throughout history the world has conspired to make women look ever more beautiful. From the Egyptians who gave them makeup to the American designers who engineered the Wonder Bra, women keep looking better all the time. (Interestingly, and in roughly the same time frame, the world managed to bestow upon men, spats and the Nehru jacket.) But now in the new Millenium, the ultimate women's guide has arrived in a fascinating book, "Escape Your Shape," by Edward Jackowski, PhD.

Briefly, the author states that all women fall into four different body types: the Spoon, the Ruler, the Cone and the Hourglass. And not only does he give precise body measurements for each category, he also named, in an on-line interview, specific people to illustrate his thesis. For instance, for the Cone classification he chose Demi Moore and Madonna as perfect examples of that body type, and what those ladies could do (or what the average woman could do if she too was a Cone) to improve their looks, that is: "Escape Your Shape." (How comforting it must be for a woman who knows she resembles Demi Moore, but that now can do something about it; she doesn't have to be stuck looking like that for the rest of her life.)

The other body type examples are equally fascinating: for the Spoon, Jennifer Lopez and Janet Jackson; for the Ruler, Gwyneth Paltrow and Courtney Cox; and for the Hourglass, Ashley Judd and Halle Berry. But then the author goes on to say that men, all men, fall into the same categories, which makes me wonder just who in the world of guys is he looking at?

Not that I have any expertise in this area (if I ever do go for a PhD it would probably be in Delicatessen Meats), but still, I do have eyes. For instance, I can't conjure up a single masculine Spoon; a ladle, maybe. Henry Kissinger looks like a ladle about to tackle a matzoh ball, same for Zero Mostel. And except for Woody Allen, name me a single male Ruler. (And don't give me any malarkey about Leonardo Di Caprio, he won't look that way once he starts shaving.)

At first glance, you might think that Arnold Schwartznegger is an Hourglass, but you would be wrong. He is, actually, an inverted pyramid, which is why he doesn't resemble any other human being on the planet.

With the Cone, the author comes closest to a male-female equivalency, but only when the guy is observed from the top of, say, the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Viewed on the same plane, that is standing face-to-face or anywhere within a four-block radius, suspected Cone-men, the likes of Marlon Brando or Sidney Greenstreet turn out to be Spheres.

How all those ladled, spherical men find so many beautiful women is really quite a mystery. Perhaps it's the men who are the lucky ones after all.

Editor's note: Gerard Meister is an award winning writer
and welcomes comments.