On The Other Hand

By Connie A. Anast

A friend came to me the other day with an interesting dilemma. She and her husband of 17 years divorced about a year ago, and she was toying with the idea of allowing him to move back in “for the sake of the children.” While she still cares for him, she admits that she is not “in love,” and would be doing it for family harmony and so her 13 year old daughter would have her father around the house.

At first, my feminist red-light went off, spouting the typical, and common, phrases such as “you shouldn’t stay together for the children,” “children know when the marriage isn’t happy,” and so forth. But I stopped myself and thought about it, asking her specific questions.

Her relationship with her ex-husband is a good one. He is still in love with her and has been trying to get back with her ever since the divorce. He has gone the extra mile to insure the things that tore them apart are no longer an issue. He is spending more time with the children, taking an active role in their lives. He recognized a drinking problem, and has sought and found help for it. He is the man she always knew he could become. But she simply does not feel the spark.

That “spark” or lack thereof, seems to be the single most important issue between married people. It got me to thinking about what is important in a marriage. Passion, as wonderful and necessary as it seems to be, fades. The feeling of being “in love” also tends to fade into a much richer and deeper love in the older couples I know.

In my grandparents day, the honeymoon period rarely lasted more that two months before harsh reality set in. In the depression, more people married for family and financial reasons that all-encompassing love. But as the years come and go, and their dedication to their home and children deepened, so did their mutual love, and their love grew into something most of us would envy. I believe this is also the case in *gasp* arranged marriages. When personal values are strong enough, you allow yourself to develop the strong binding love that comes with long commitment. If you treat your marriage like you treat your disposable contacts, what value are you placing in the other person?

This issue perplexed me for quite awhile. Should a woman stay with her husband after the “spark” is gone? She agrees she enjoys spending time with him now, more than when they were married. He is not abusive; her children seem to lack their glow when he is not around; and as a couple, they are learning to appreciate all the things about each other they initially fell in love with.

What do YOU think?