On The Other Hand

By Connie A. Anast

I am disturbed. Completely. It seemed everything was going okay in my life. I was enjoying things, listening to music, generally enthralled with the world around me.

Then they popped up.

Oh, it was a slow process, all right. So slow, in fact, I imagine they are showing up everywhere, so quietly that no one really notices they're around. One here, another there, not really a large burden and a bit fascinating for some.

"C'mere and try this, Marge," I overheard one husband say to his wife. Oh, yes, my friend, try the "newest" trend. Get drawn into its' stare, the humming sound, the ultimate in power.

Mechanical, metal. unforgiving. It is the horror. of.

SELF CHECKOUT!

(Insert dramatic music here.)

Sure, at first they tell you they are only putting in a few of these monstrosities for "convenience" sake, there will always be a jovial employee to check you out in your favorite department and grocery stores. But they lie, dear readers. Overnight, those montages of social collapse have sprung up in every store I frequent, with the notable exception of Godiva Chocolatier.

I realize that most of you don't see the advancing technology of self-checkout as the social and industrial collapse of our time. Rest assured, it will be the beginning of the end of modern convenience.

First, they spend umpteen (and yes, that is how it is spelled) billions of dollars to rip out traditional check stands and install the shackles of retail spending. Second, they begin "downsizing" their staff, as there only really needs to be one supervising clerk for every 4 lines, contributing to the rising of unemployment. Third, combine this with the immensely popular pay-at-the-pump, automated phone customer services, check by phone, automatic debits and bill paying, and what you have the collapse of the service oriented society. People are being replaced by computers. Soon, your children will wake up and walk to the computer instead of walking to school to obtain their lessons, since teachers will be obsolete. You won't need to leave the house since you work from home via Internet with your own Internet business selling Internet software.

And when you finally go to a store, check yourself out.

There are few things in this life that I treasure. One of them is SPAM, but that is another discussion entirely. Being served in a retail store is part of the experience. Having Candy and Mitzi bag my groceries and wish me a great day is elemental to the whole essence of shopping. It's like paying $50 for a prime-rib dinner, being served the succulent meal in tin foil and the waiter asking you to go home and self-cook it.

I certainly haven't noticed reduced prices due to the major service overhaul. Okay, you can tell me it saves money by eliminating employee positions, but none of that is going back to the consumer. Don't even try to lie about it, it is so shameful and pathetic.

So, this is my take: Keep your automated monsters, but by God, you better have more than one line open for us regular folk who would rather have a professional do the work. If you force us to check ourselves out, you should give us a 10% discount on everything we purchase, since I am doing your work for you.

And if either of these two options aren't available, I will not visit your store again and will campaign others to follow suit. Don't believe me? Meet my cousin, Norma Rae.